Loss of Direction

First, no 50K prize won for me
Second,
this post will simply be a ramble to get everything out of my head :(

I dont know why, but lately ive been feeling down quite a bit..
This whole feeling about rejection, failure and being helpless has take me all the way to be the queen of negativity.. and i hate it.. but i realized it, that make me hate myself even more for realizing something bad but not do anything about it..
Argh... what kind of loop am i in atm?? Its driving me crazy...

I really need to do something to get my head around it..
No one can live like this, right? RIGHT???

I called Mom earlier today, i was on sick leave due to my bad flu, and talking to her on the phone just calm me down a bit..
We dont talk much about me, it was more about her telling me whats been going on back home..
But i couldnt always rely on that, can i?
I dont want to be depending on her like that..
I really have to find something to tackle this all by myself..

I really need to go back to my yoga soon enough..
it should help..

fingers crossed